What Happens When Kids Start Eating Bread?

In another win for bread-lovers everywhere, a new study confirms what we all already know. Children who eat bread turn out better than their non-bread-eating peers in every measure across the board. We turned to the head researcher, funder, millionaire, and CEO of Buymore Bread, Ima Lyre, to get the details.

“When we started this study we didn’t know what we were going to discover. But if I can be a bit candid, I was really hoping for these results. We proved, with a 100% certainty that children who eat bread also like classical music, get the approval of their peers, speak up to five languages, win at least eight Olympic gold medals, are better looking, become President, are taller, cure cancer, have more fun, and we even found a slight relationship between eating bread and being less hungry.”

Wow is there anything bread can’t do. “Well, speaking scientifically here, there’s actually not,” Lyre told us before he had to go back to his day job of selling bread.

(Her assistant told us off the record that while bread can be a great source of fiber for kids, the research done did not actually do any of the things Ima told us. With one exception, the eight gold medals. That was definitely true. We decided this information should be on the record in the event that someone wanted their child to also earn eight gold medals.)

We give this story a: D*

*Ratings are based on how unbiased we believe this study to be.