A Local Man today was enraged when he went to the breakroom fridge to retrieve his sub that he had been thinking about all day only to discover it had gone missing. In this moment, he swore revenge against the coworker who wronged him. He turned to us to speak his new manifesto against food-stealing colleagues.
“I swear on my job that if I find you, you sub-stealing-no-good-happiness-destroying man, you will pay. I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career at this company that you have now besmirched for me. Skills (like accounting and book-keeping) that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you have not eaten my sub yet, and you return it to the fridge, that will be the end of it, I will not look for you. But if you have already eaten my sub, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will force you to buy me a new 16” Penny Club on wheat.”
Personally, we think Local Man has been watching a certain film too often recently. Gary from accounting, who sent out a mass email with the subject line “If I Did It,” also reached out to us. “Yeah I ate the sub and I’m not sorry or scared. The only thing he’s going to do is leave a passive aggressive post-it on the fridge.”
Sure enough, by 3 p.m. a post-it clearly in Local Man’s handwriting, appeared in the breakroom. “Please be sure to double check that the sub you’re eating belongs to you.”
No promises, Local Man.
We give this story a: B+*