Local Man Walks Into Goodcents. Thinks It’s A Subway.

In an expected turn of events, a Local Man walked into Goodcents on Monday believing it to be a Subway. We interviewed the slicer, Alicia, to get the scope on this so-common-it-never-gets-reported-on story.

“He kept demanding a sub [the length of a foot]* even though I told him we have 4”, 6”, 8”, 12”, or 16” subs. I just caved and made him a 12” because I didn’t want to explain the length of a ruler to him.”

Good call, Alicia. He must be a metric system man. Alicia went on to say, “I was slicing the meat when he started to panic and asked me what I was doing. He wanted to know why I wasn’t peeling it off of paper like it’s always done. He said he likes it because sometimes some of the paper slips into the sub and adds fiber to his meal. How do you respond to something like that?”

The problems only continued as the man went to order 3 cookies. (No judgment, but 3 Goodcents cookies is kind of a lot, but you do you, Local Man.) “He was very upset by how big the cookies were and how he could easily bite it without breaking a tooth. Then he had the nerve to say his [length of a foot]* sub should be only $5 even though I know Subway stopped doing that. I really chose the wrong day to not call in sick.”

While in the dining room, several customers overheard him mumbling to himself about the “too soft” bread.

Goodcents, in its entirety, took a collective sigh of exasperation. Just another day in the fight against sub-par subs. (Yes, we did do that on purpose.)

We give this story a: D-**

*Our lawyers said we couldn’t use the word “footlong.”
**Ratings are based on how annoyed Alicia was.