Investigators Searching For Local Man Who Ordered A Kids Meal

In an egregious abuse of unspoken customer conduct, a local man ordered a kids meal at Goodcents for himself even though there were no children with him. Investigators have not been able to locate him yet and are turning to the media and our readers at home to help bring this man to justice. Below is the story as we currently know it. Details will be added as they come in.*

According to the manager, this man walked into the store at around 4:20 PM. He was somewhere between 4’8 and 6’5, was wearing either a black, navy, or white hoodie. He was described as having blonde/brown/red hair and was probably close to 16 or 48 years old. He told the slicer he would like ten kids meal with PB&J on Rainbow Bread for his sons who were all waiting in the car. When asked if he would like to add anything else to his order, he declined…and giggled a little.

“This isn’t that strange,” the manager told us. “People order for the kids all the time. It wasn’t until one of my employees went to take out the trash that we knew we had been duped. The man was sitting alone in his two-door beater car secretly enjoying his kids’ meals. You can’t fit 10 kids in there: goats or humans. When he made eye contact with my employee he sped out of the lot, managing to ding two other cars on his way out. I even saw him run a red light.”

SOCH (shake our collective heads) doesn’t the suspect know he could’ve ordered an adult PB&J on rainbow bread if that’s what he wanted? How many times has he done this? Will he ever be caught? Those of us here at Half-Baked Report are haunted by the questions of this case. Hopefully, our detailed description will help find this monster and bring him to justice.

We give this story a: D-**

*They will not.

**Ratings are based on the level of dignity the suspect has left.