Important: All Sandwich Toppings Have Been Renamed

BREAKING: This just in. All sandwich toppings have been renamed. CEO of Goodcents Deli Fresh Subs, Anita Sammich, gave us this exclusive first look at the new sandwich topping names. The move came after a particularly long meeting that became a battleground over the proper pronunciation of tomato. Not wanting to ever have to deal with that again, Sammich made an executive decision to give the toppings names that made sense. Please try and memorize this list for next time you order a sub. You’ll look like a fool if you say “I’d like onions and lettuce please.”

Say goodbye to bell peppers and say hello to…

Cucumbers? Never heard of those. Did you mean…

Jalapeños, more like… 

Lettuce agree to always call things what the really are. 

I’ll take olive them.

The word onion is so 2001*. 

Oregano was meaningless. This is the clarity we need. 

Pepper? I hardly know her!

Pickles just didn’t have the same ring to it.

Salt had become too trendy. 

Never again worry about how to say tomato. 

*2001 AKA the year of Shrek.